Category: morning sickness

Grateful But Miserable

Yesterday I gave myself a Mother’s’ Day treat, attending Birth Without Fear Conference in Portland toddler-free. I attended last year and loved it. I really hoped to return this year pregant, and I was lucky enough for that to happen. But this is not quite the pregnancy I expected to come with at all. First of all, I never expected to be carrying a rainbow baby. Second, I never expected to be this miserable pregnant.

In November, I posted about how I had a miscarriage. As I mentioned, this totally blindsided me. I have no issues getting pregnant and already had a healthy baby. I never had much time to deal with what happened, I had to leave for babywearing training in Seattle the next day and was very busy after that. I became determined to get pregnant again as soon as possible, so I focused on that more than dealing with the loss. Two cycles later we got pregnant with this baby and I was happy…for the most part. I was happy but afraid. I waited for the 6 weeks 5 days mark (as far as I got with the miscarriage) to pass before I accepted mentally it was for real.

But do you know what also happened about this time? Hyperemesis kicked in.  There was no way I could get excited now. I was too busy trying not to throw up and die every day for months. I thought it will get better when I get to the second trimester—just get to 12 weeks I told myself. I thought all the nausea will go away and my chances of miscarriage drop way down, so I will be able to relax. Nope.

Guess what happened next? Shortly after I wrote my hyperemesis post, I went in for my another ER visit. I was having horrible stomach pain and they were concerned I had appendicitis. I got two bags of fluids, a Benadryl shot to calm my horrible headache, and a Zofran shot. Then an ultrasound to check baby and my appendix. But, she couldn’t find my appendix, so I got an MRI. Do you know how fun an MRI at 2 AM when you are exhausted and loopy from Benadryl?!?! I ended up just having extreme intestinal distress and I was told to just drink more water….great advice to someone who can’t hold down much.

A few weeks later, something really scary happened. I started to have slightly painful cramps. They were more than menstrual cramps, but less than contractions. It reminded me of the cramps I had the night my water broke with Jack, so I worried. I called my midwife who told me to rest and drink water to see if they stop. If I stayed laying down, they stopped. But as soon as I got up, they came back.

Jack assisting my midwife check my cervix
This went on for 2 days my midwife had me come in.  She became a bit concerned because I was 1cm dilated and had a lot of discharge she didn’t like. She took a vaginal swab and sent me for a ultrasound that day. I was so afraid. I had Jack with me so I needed to keep it together for him. I rushed to drop Jack with my mom and picked up Michael. I am one of those people who will totally lose it I panic so I just stayed calm and didn’t make it out to be a big deal to everyone. But I was so afraid. Terrified.

The ultrasound ended up being okay. I was very dehydrated so she couldn’t get all the pictures she needed. But my cervix was closed internally and high. I had a plenty of amniotic fluid and baby looked good. They could not confirm gender (we did genetic testing so we know it’s a boy). My midwife called a few days later to say I had a vaginosis and an irritable uterus. Neither is necessarily bad, but both can lead to preterm labor if untreated.Several more days of bed rest and more cramps plus antibiotics. And my parents went out of town so I couldn’t really rest like I needed because I had to chase Jack.

So, at 19 weeks pregnant , I spent an evening at my birthing center getting rehydrated for the FIFTH time this pregnancy. They couldn’t get a vein on me so they had to do it the other way. That’s right, they gave  me an enema. Took the needle off the IV and inserted the catheter right in my butt. I didn’t care though. My cramps stopped within minutes and I felt so much better. I’m in my second trimester, I’m supposed to be feeling the best my whole pregnancy right now and it’s only getting worse. And I am still worried that this constant getting dehydrated is going to cause real preterm labor. Now I am telling myself just get to 24 weeks, when most babies born early care considered viable. Then I can relax, hopefully.

I started to say to myself “I wish I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I am so miserable. I just want this over.” Then I realized the horror in what I said. I wished no longer be carrying my rainbow baby. I know this is not what  really meant, but even implying losing this baby was horrible to me. At this time, my best friend was afraid she would never be able to have children. She had just undergone exploratory surgery with fears should would lose both her ovaries and fallopian tubes (ended up only losing one of each). How could I say such things when she might never be able to have children period?!?!? I want to be clear that I want this baby with all my heart. I needed this baby. I am not ungrateful for this baby, I know how lucky I am to be pregnant and be able to have children. But I am miserable and still afraid.

At Birth Without Fear, there was a speaker on pregnancy loss. I debated the whole train ride to the convention center if I wanted to listen to it. I didn’t want to face my fears. I didn’t want to hear stories of babies who didn’t make it for fear I would actually lose this baby. I didn’t want to admit the horrible thing I said when I am lucky enough to be carrying my rainbow baby. Once I got there, and saw how many other women went into that session, I knew I needed to go. The speaker was Jessica Daggett, a Doula and a mom who has experienced two losses herself. She and other mom’s shared their stories. It was hard to hear at times and ramped up my fears, but it was also healing. It was healing to know she was afraid with her pregnancies after her losses.

Then later on in the afternoon was the harmony circle. I decided to sit at the loss group. Five other women, including Jessica, sat at the table. Each shared their stories, each one a little different, but all the feelings were the same. One mom was her in second trimester but afraid to enjoy it because she lost twin baby girls due to preterm labor. One had lost her baby in March. One was struggling with IV after having her one working tube wrongfully removed after a miscarriage.  One had a miscarriage from preeclampsia when she didn’t know she was even pregnant. But all of us felt fear, guilt, and sadness.

The greatest part was to hear them all say I was not a bad mother for not enjoying my pregnancy, and even hating it. And it’s okay for me to be afraid of losing my baby. The fact that I care enough to care that I hate it is proof. I want to repeat this:

It’s okay to not enjoy your pregnancy. Especially if you have hyperemesis or other complications.

It’s okay to fear loss. Especially if you have lost before.

But you need to deal with your emotions and not let them consume you forever. Please seek help from a professional if these feelings are interfering with your daily life. I have not gotten to that point, but it’s nice to know it’s okay to have these thoughts.

I am beyond grateful to have an amazing two-year-old and be pregnant with my rainbow baby on this Mother’s day. But I can’t wait until I am done being miserable.  Thank you Birth Without Fear, Jessica, and the other moms at my table for giving me the courage to write this post.

Things That Helped my Morning Sickness

I was not prepared for my horrible morning sickness. It struck hard around 5 and a half weeks. My mom told me she had horrible morning sickness with both my brother and I, but I didn’t think it could be that bad. I tried to explain it to my husband one day, the best analogy I could come up with a horrible hangover that wont go away.

Before I found out I was pregnant, I had some symptom, a bad headache and a little bit of an upset stomach. We had eaten out several times that weekend, so I assumed I had mild food poisoning or something. Neither the headache or the stomach issues were that bad. Well, long story short, about week later I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. After the initial shock, I thought to myself  Hey, this isn’t that bad. Just a headache and extra time in the bathroom…I can totally do this!

….Oh how wrong I was. It started to get worse slowly. A few days after the test, I didn’t like the smell of Michael’s dinner one night and made him sit on the other side of the room to eat it. Then one morning I woke up with a even worse headache. Then that night I woke up feeling like the room was spinning and I was going to be sick. The the next day I woke up feeling so sick I couldn’t eat until noon. Then the next day I couldn’t eat until dinner. Then the next day I couldn’t eat anything. Then the vomiting started…most of the time I just threw up in the morning, but the queasy feeling lasted all day. I was also getting dehydrated, giving me a worse headache and the shakes. At about 7 weeks I said enough and tried to figure out ways to cope.

Here is a list of things that helped me:

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  • Laying Down: Every time I stood up, I instantly got dizzy and felt like I was either going to faint or puke. I kept trying to do stuff around the house, but would just end up crying next to the toilet. Eventually I realized if I just laid down, I felt a lot better. Eventually sometime in the afternoon my nausea subsided and I could at least make Michael dinner and finish the laundry. I eventually found out if I ate laying down, I could actually keep it down.
  • Ginger Candy: My mom bought me a box of Reed’s Ginger Candy. I kept it next to my bed and popped one in my mouth right when I woke up. I have to admit, they are pretty strong and even sting a little to swallow. But they really do work wonders. They fix that hunger-over-like feeling you have when you are not throwing up.
  • Ritz Crackers: After the ginger candy, while still in bed, I would eat a few crackers. I tried these fancy organic multigrain ones, but they didn’t work. I needed plain Ritz Crackers. The simple taste wont set off your nausea, unlike the multigrain. They are easy to digest. And they have salt to balance your electrolytes. Plus, grains absorb liquid and acid in your stomach, giving it less stuff to irritate it.
  • Preggie Pops: My mom also bought me Preggie Pops. These things are a godsend! They are made from sugars and essential oils–and taste great! . Just pop one in and suck all nausea away. However, at least for me, the effects only lasted as long as I was sucking on one. So I only used them when I absolutely need to be out and about for awhile. I would have not gotten through wedding dress shopping if it wasn’t for these pops.
  • Carbs: So I know only eating carbs is not healthy at all, but when you are that sick, you have to eat whatever sounds good. I could usually get down bread (even multigrain) and butter. Plain ramen noodles (no flavor packet or soy sauce) went alright too. I tried really hard to eat anything, because having an empty stomach makes nausea way worse. I was usually fine by dinner time if I could munch a little something during the day. But I still was careful and only ate simple things.
  • Coke: I am not a big soda drinker. The stuff is pretty much just liquid fat waiting to give you a heat attack or diabetes. I rarely ever drink it normally. But for me, it the only thing that will really settle my stomach. My mom would give us a little bit as kids if we were like projectile vomiting—and it worked every time. And when I am hungover, it’s the first and only thing I ask for. There are tons of reasons why people think coke works, but nothing has really be proven yet. My guess the sugar gives you energy, the potassium/sodium electrolytes re-energizer you, and that liquid hydrates you. All that being said, soda still has no nutritional value and really is just liquid fat. So I only used soda a last resort on the days I was really sick and had things to do. After the coke settle my stomach, I usually drank a few glasses of water to make up for it
  • Sleeping: I noticed pretty quickly the days that I had a good nights sleep, I could handle my nausea a lot better. I already have insomnia issues, so adding nausea and stress did not help.
  • Benadryl: Luckily my doctor said I could Benadryl as need to help me sleep and curb my nausea. And it worked! See My First Trimester post.
  • Small Meals: Eating a few bites at a time went over a lot better than trying to eat 3 meals a day. Like I said, by dinner time I was usually okay, but I still tried to keep it small.

My First Frimester

I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with a boy (check out my Gender Reveal Cake post on my other blog).  I didn’t start this blog earlier because, well, mainly I didn’t think of it sooner.

22 weeks and 5 days. Ignore my laundry on the floor…

Michael and I are planning on having another baby in a few years, and I was thinking of all the thing I don’t want to forget for next time. So I thought would write it down for myself and other people to learn from. I hope it can helps anyone who has a rough time in their first trimester like I did.

I am going to be honest, I hate being pregnant so far. Don’t get me wrong, I am very very grateful to be pregnant and already love my baby very much. But the process of making him sucks. Looking back now there are things I wish I did differently to make it easier in my first trimester:

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  • More prepared: My pregnancy was a surprise (and there is no shame in admitting that, it’s happen for centuries and it does not make it any less important to us), so I was not prepared for anything. I wish I had ginger tea, preggie pops, and coke (I know not healthy, I’ll explain later) stock piled in my house from the start. And before I found out I was pregnant, I originally thought I had a stomach bug or food poisoning so I had not been eating much. So when morning sickness really hit, I was kind of weak and not prepared to eat anything—which any pregnant women can tell you makes morning sickness worse. However, there is not much I could have done about this one (short of building a time machine and going into the past to tell myself). I also don’t think I could have avoided horrible morning sickness, it seems to run in my family.
  • Stay Calm: Do you know what sucks more than losing your job in a shady way for no reason? To lose your job the day after you find out you’re pregnant. I was so worried about everything the for the first few weeks that I stressed myself out.  How can I pay all my bills? Should I sell my brand new car? How will we eat? How will we pay rent? Then all the horrible things popped in my head. What if we are horrible parents? What if we are so broke they take the baby away from us? What is something is wrong with the baby, how will pay for care? What is something happens to me and I need care? What if I lose the baby? What if something happens to Michael? In the end, do you know what good all that worrying did? Nothing. I cried on the couch for days and made myself a nervous wreck for nothing. Everything has worked out very well so far. It was not easy for awhile, but I am so happy right now that I almost can’t believe it. I really think that emotions play a role in morning sickness too. Once I started to calm down, I started to feel better. And I think losing my job was the universe’s way of giving me a break. I could not have worked those 10 weeks or so, and would have just stressed myself out trying.
  • It’s okay to be sick: I was convinced that I need to be one of those women who never has morning sickness and gets everything done like Wonder Woman. I know I just said I needed those 10 weeks of rest, but I did not comprehend that at the time. I would beat myself up for not going to the grocery store or doing the laundry. As I was sitting next to the toilet waiting to puke again, I would start crying thinking of Michael hard at work earning money and I wasn’t even going to make him dinner. And on top of it he was being soooo sweet and taking care of me—and all the household chores! He would tell me he doesn’t mind and understand that I don’t feel good. That just made me feel worse. Now I look back and realize I was doing a very important job, making a baby! The first trimester is when your baby goes from a dot to mini human—and that is a lot of work for your body. And, Michael knows I am not a some spoiled princess who expects to be waited on for the rest of her life. I needed help and he loves me enough to give it it to me. Next time, I will give myself a break. I will focus on keeping myself and the baby healthy.
  • Drink More Smoothies: I had a hard time keeping anything but plain bread with butter or ramen noodles down for weeks. That is not a very healthy diet at all. A few times I made smoothies with berries and soy milk, and drank them slowly over the course of the day. They still upset my stomach, but as long I went slowly, I kept them down. I know the obvious answer is I should have done this everyday, but I felt so awful that forcing something down was the last thing I wanted to do. Plus I didn’t have a blender at the time, just an old school food processor that is a pain to clean. A few days ago we bought a NutriBullet and I am in love. Michael offered to buy me one months ago and I don’t know why I ever hesitated. It’s quick and easy to clean. Plus, they resealable, so even if the smoothie makes me sick, I could freeze it for later. I drink a smoothie almost every morning now, and will make myself next time I am in the my first trimester.

And there are somethings I did right and I will do next time around too:

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  • Help from Mom: Even before I told my mom I was pregnant, she knew something was up and throwing out dates for her to fly down. Once I told her the news, she pretty much was on the next flight here (she is the definition of someone dying to be grandma). She took care of me and helped around the house. I am still very grateful for her coming, it was a huge help. Plus nothing helps you feel better like a hug from your mom.
  • Acupuncture: I had acupuncture for the first time while I was in Hawaii to treat insomnia and recover from my car accident. I loved it (major shout out to Kim, you are seriously an amazing healer, check her out if you are on the Big Island). I found a deal on Groupon for 3 sessions at a place in Campbell and decided to give it a dry for my morning sickness. I did not really like the acupuncturist, but the sessions did help. I went from the room spinning and wanting to throw up every time I stood to just an upset stomach and headache when I walked around too much. It wasn’t a 100% improvement, but when you are that sick, anything is better.
  • Benadryl: When you have already existing insomnia and add nausea, you are guaranteed to not get any sleep. I had all day to take a nap and recover, but I kept Michael up too. The doctor said I could take 1-2 Benadryl as need to help me sleep and reduce morning sickness. At first I was reluctant to take any medication, but I realized it wasn’t doing me or the baby any good to be exhausted and sick all the time. So I tried some Benadryl a few nights a week and it was amazing! I slept and my stomach calmed down. I still needed to lay down for bit and munch on crackers before I could really start my day, but it was an improvement for sure.
  • Not reading ahead:  I knew a bit about pregnancy and babies already. I love kids and have babysat for years. I also was thinking of becoming a neonatal nurse for awhile too. But somehow I got this crazy idea that it would be a great to get all the baby/pregnancy books and be totally informed right away. It started to skim through them, and got slightly overwhelmed. So I decided to return them and just look on sites like babycenter.com week by week or just for that trimester. My mom bought me The Everything Vegan Pregnancy Book, which I read as needed. Why make yourself worry each time something new happens? Or the books says something should happen and doesn’t? Plus who really needs to read about episiotomies when you still your baby is still the size of blueberry?

There are two things I am still not sure were the best idea, but would not go back and change them:

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  • First Trimester Marriage: I am not saying I regret marrying Michael. Not at all. I fell in love with him on our first date and knew he was the one about a month later. I wake up every morning grateful to have such an amazing man next to me. I am saying that is was very stressful planning a wedding when I was feeling like death. We had a trip to Vegas booked for Michael’s birthday anyways, so decided just getting married while we were there was easier. My mom was all excited and want to start booking everything right away. Did you pick a place? What about a dress? Upgrade your room to a suite? Where are you going for dinner? What show do you want to see? All that is a lot to deal with when you can’t even keep water down and are already stressed. However, I am not sure I would have wanted to wait until I felt better. I liked not needing a maternity dress. I got the dress of my dreams (curve hugging trumpet with a sweetheart neckline and pearl beading). I liked that I could still run around The Strip in cute little mini dresses and feel like a sexy new bride. Also, I was not showing so I didn’t get the “Why is she even here? Shouldn’t she be home resting? I bet she is drunk, too!” judgmental looks. I loved my wedding and love my husband, so I cannot complain. And maybe it’s just my warped sense of humor, but it’s kind of funny to say I had a shotgun wedding in Vegas!
  • The Belly Band: Like most women, I went through that “bloated but not really showing” phase. My normal pants just barely didn’t fit, but I wasn’t big enough for maternity pants. So I bought a Belly Band. I read the reviews first, and the most common complaint was that it unravels if you wash it a lot, especially in hot water. I decided it would be fine to just wash it as need with Michael’s delicate bike clothes and never dry it. I have to say it did the basic job. I could wear my normal pants unbuttoned and it did not look weird. Just looked like I had a tank top on underneath. However, the band does not stay up that well, which annoyed me. It didn’t fall directly off or expose my unbuttoned pants. But I wanted it to stay around my lower belly, over my button, and go down a half inch or so. It would slide a little and cover only two of the three areas I wanted. It was only $20 so it was not a giant waste of money, so meh.