I Never Thought I Would Need A Rainbow Baby

This is not the post I wanted to write. I was hoping to announce that we are expecting our second child. I was hoping to talk about morning sickness, sore boobs, and how much it sucks to chase a toddler when exhausted. But I am not. Instead I am writing about having a miscarriage.

I know it sounds cliche, but I really never thought this would happened to me. I know that even though many women chose not to talk about it, it is a fairly common. I recall learning somewhere that as many as 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. So, majority of women walking around on the planet experienced a pregnancy loss in their life. But this really blindsided me.

Jack was a surprise, we didn’t even have to try.  I had no major complications, everything went pretty good. I figured I wouldn’t have any issues having another baby. We got pregnant the first month we tried and it all seemed to go according to plan. I was so happy, so ready to have another baby. I was so happy to tell Michael, he was so happy too. I was happy to tell my two best friends. And, a few other friends and family as well. I figured we would do a big cute reveal in a few weeks to everyone else.

The day after telling people, I started spotting. I didn’t know that to do. I Googled “spotting in early pregnancy” and read that is was most likely a normal pregnancy symptom. So I took a bath and tried to stay calm. But something felt wrong. I woke up Michael (he works night shift now and sleeps during the day) and asked my mom to watch Jack.

We went to the ER. It felt like an out of body experience. This was not happening to me. I was seen quickly. Everyone was nice and took good care of me. But I was terrified.

I didn’t know what was happening. The doctor came in and asked several questions that I don’t remember. Then she said it. “Your pregnancy test was negative. You are most likely having a very early miscarriage. Probably a chemical pregnancy.” And I don’t really remember anything else she said after that. I didn’t need to know anything else at that moment. I was already devastated.

She handed me information on miscarriages and they discharge me. I think she told me to rest and take ibuprofen if I needed it. I was shaking so bad Michael had to help me get dressed. We drove home in silence. I felt very numb, I could not believe this as happening to me.

Mom hugged me when we got home and told me to go take a nap with Jack. I took him to our bed and nursed him to sleep. I held him tight and kiss his head. I tried to tell myself to be grateful to have a beautiful, healthy child. But that just made me feel more numb. I just went about the rest of my day—I didn’t know what else to do.

I hoped maybe the bleeding would stop and it was all not true, but I knew in my heart it was. I just wasn’t ready to deal with it yet. This was just horrible timing, I was leaving the next day for babywearing training in Seattle. I didn’t have time for this right now.

Michael asked if I wanted to still go, I said yes. I shelled out a lot of money for this training and needed this certification for my future career goals. Michael would have let me cancel the whole thing, no questions asked— even if it meant we couldn’t get our money back. But I knew I needed to go. If I stayed home I would have just moped around the house. Being around educated, strong women was what I needed. So I left bright and early the next morning.

About half way into my drive the worst possible song came on the radio. Sarah McLachlan, ” In The Arms of The Angel.” I lost it. I started bawling my eyes out and had to pull over for a while. Later, I arrived, got lunch, and went to my training. I tried so hard to pay attention and act normal, but inside I still felt numb.

That night I was excited to actually get a full night’s rest. But when got into bed, I felt so lonely without my husband and son.

I tried hard the next day to pay attention again, but I kept thinking about it. And thinking about it. And that night when I got home it was all I could think about. I went to work on some homework from the training and pulled out a wrap—the worst possible wrap. I have been eyeing  this Vanamo for months now, I loved it the moment I saw it. I got to borrow it for the night. I have been putting off getting it until I had more money.

But when I pulled it out, I realized it was covered in rainbows. A “rainbow baby” is a baby born after a miscarriage. Like the beauty that comes after a storm. Needless to say I finally accepted what had happened. I lost a baby. Yes, I was barely 5 weeks pregnant, but it was still my baby. A baby I really really wanted. I cried. I cried and cried.

I took the rest of the night to have some “me” time. Do some non-mom things.  I watched some Hulu, got a glass of wine, and took a long hot shower. I reflected on everything that happened in the past week.

I am glad that I told the people I did. I needed these people. I needed my mom to tell me it was okay to be hurt. I needed my best friends to ask me how I was feeling. I needed my other friends to tell me they are sorry. This is hard for me to get through, and it would have been crippling without others to lean on.

The rest of the training was easier to get through. I was so glad I went. I needed to company of compassionate, understanding women. Even though they had no idea what I was going through, listening to their stories and lives helped me more than they can understand.

I ended up buying the rainbow wrap. I kept it next to me in the front seat as I drove home, just in case a hard song came on the radio again, I had something to wipe my tears this time. I kept looking at it thinking how lovely it will look on Jack and I. And how lovely it would have been to wrap that lost baby in it. But most importantly, how lovely it will look on my rainbow baby.

It is important I mourn and deal with my emotions properly, but I need to remember that this is not the end of line. Majority of women go on to have healthy babies after a loss. Hopefully soon I will sharing the happy news that we will having another baby.

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12 thoughts on “I Never Thought I Would Need A Rainbow Baby

  1. Oh I am saddened for you. Your pain is greater than no other. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, stillborn at 32 weeks. Devastated! !! My world ended. It took me some deep soul searching and a beautiful rainbow boy to get to a functioning level. Finally, two years later, I honestly can say I am doing good. Be gentle with yourself. The sharp hurting edges will get smoother. The what ifs and why me, aren’t helpful questions to play over and over. I pray God will wrap you in love and guide your path for a beautiful, live, kicking and screaming, full term baby to wrap in your rainbow wrap! !!!

  2. This made me teary eyed. I had a miscarriage last year and all those feelings are pretty common across the board. I was 7wks and not only that my sister was 8wks pregnant at the time. I lived the next 33weeks watching my sister do everything I “should” be doing. It was hard. As a woman and mother I can’t imagine anything harder. Fast forward to this year, my daughter was due on my nieces 1st bday. Just 1 day after first one woulda been due. I now have my rainbow baby. One day you will have yours and wrap it in that beautiful wrap. ❤️

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words that give the right comfort. Last March I gave birth to a full term baby boy who passed away 11 hours later from GBS. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I wI’ll never be the same. I, like you, was lucky to have an amazing support system though. Lean on them, talk to them, let it out. They love you and they will be there for you when your rainbow comes along. Just like mine did this August. Love to you mama.

  4. I also had a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage this summer. I felt so guilty for being as sad as I was, given how early it stopped, but like you, I definitely needed to grieve. One thing that helped (which I knew my mom did, years ago) was to ask God what the baby’s name was. He said she was a girl and her name is Naomi, and that she’s safe. (I also conceived twins shortly afterwards, so I guess they are my rainbow babies.)

    Blessings to you.

  5. Pregnancy loss is so easily overlooked and so devastating. I lost my first baby at 37 weeks for no known reason. Now I’m holding my rainbow twins as well. The hurt gets better, though it never goes away entirely–and that wrap seems like the perfect thing for wiping tears. I’ve been shopping for wraps/carriers for my twins, and I think you’ve convinced me to find a special one with a spectrum of rainbows.

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